To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested; I’m negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as
a Tupperware lid the doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
When you ask me what I'm doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
Age 70 might be the new 50, but 9 PM is the new midnight.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, when I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head; that’ll freak you right out.
That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life, seemingly out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.