A Little Humor for the Holidays for Us Oldies But Goodies with a Sense of…

    To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

    When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

    Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.

    I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

    I had my patience tested; I’m negative.

    Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as

    a Tupperware lid the doesn’t fit any of your containers.

    If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

    When you ask me what I'm doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

    Age 70 might be the new 50, but 9 PM is the new midnight.

    I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

    I run like the winded.

    I hate when a couple argues in public, when I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

    When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

    I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

    When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

    I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

    When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

    It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

    Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head; that’ll freak you right out.

    That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

    Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life, seemingly out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

    The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.